out of mind

I just finished reading Hersenschimmen (Out of Mind) by J. Bernlef. This one will stay with me for a while, I think.

Out of Mind (Hersenschimmen) - J. Bernlef

Out of Mind is an intimate and affecting story about the dramatic mental decline of a 71-year-old man, Maarten Klein, who is slowly losing his mind to Alzheimer’s disease. Set in Gloucester, Massachusetts, Maarten — a Dutch immigrant who once led a quiet life with his wife Vera — begins to experience confusion, memory loss and disorientation as his grasp on reality and language slips away. Told in a powerful first-person narrative, the novel places the reader inside Maarten’s deteriorating consciousness, portraying both the emotional anguish of his decline and the impact on his relationship with Vera.

just some thoughts

It’s interesting to realize how much the way you experience a book changes as you get older.

The last time I read this one, I was about fifteen years old. I was learning English, German and French, so I had to read about eighty books in four languages, spread over two years, while working towards my exams. I didn’t have much time to reflect on what I read. And even if I had had the time, the concept of dementia was not something I had any grasp of. I had never experienced what it was like to have a loved one look at you and see in their eyes that they don’t know who you are.

I am older now, and I have more time on my hands. So I took my time reading and reflecting. Experiencing reality falling apart from inside a fracturing mind is a profound experience. Especially because you get glimpses of the way Maarten’s wife has to come to terms with what is happening to him. Still, while It is a sad story, through it all there are moments of beauty and love.

And I remember my grandmother, the way her world slipped away, and I think that through it all, maybe she had moments of beauty and love, as well.

more puddles

• the girl in her dreams
• his bloodshot eye
• love is

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